You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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