Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
