if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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