I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
