apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
