so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
