i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
