he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
