sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
