I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
