i love accidental penises.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Holy sore nipples Batman
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
