College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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