Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
