I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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