you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
