Only a mothe r could love this liver
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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