The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
