He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
