I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
