If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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