guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
