I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my being single is dangerous.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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