You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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