I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
