I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
