Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Operation Purity has been aborted
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
They took my balls.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
