Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
