Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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