Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
