my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i think i just lost a toe
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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