Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
