I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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