my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
