Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
