Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Randomize
