What did we do last night that was yellow?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
