Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
