Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
