Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
