remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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