Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
