It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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