My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
