I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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