I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
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