so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
