i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
