my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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