Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
