I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
